036: david has no taste 👅
Michael Scott is corporate propaganda
We weren't meant to sit around all day in cubicles staring at digital screens making small talk with Laurie from accounting as we wait in line for coffee. We were meant to be frolicking in meadows, bathing naked in rivers, and chilling inside tepees with our wise elders passing around a bowl of liquid that will take us on a life-altering journey to better understand the reasons behind life, the universe, and everything 🧘🏽♂️
Hey, maybe you enjoy some of the experiences and the money you make from sitting in that cubicle or open floor plan. But I doubt you actually enjoy the action of sitting there day after day and going through the same routine year after year.1
SEE APPENDIX: How often do you drink to forget about work?Seriously, look at how awesome frolicking is:
WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FROLICKING😭😭😭
But then The Office came along, and now a certain subset of people think it's funny to claim they worked three desks down from Jim and Dwight. The point of The Office wasn't to show how awesome working in an office is. It was the opposite. It was meant to show how exhausting the experience can be, especially with a particular cast of characters around you. In the American Psyche of years passed, people dreaded the office. They even made a movie about how bad it was to work in a cubicle: Office Space. You might say things have changed, but the only change is that "the office" has turned into "work anywhere from your laptop," and putting in extra hours is "picking up a side hustle." Same pig, different lipstick. Work, work, work, work until you're too tired to question anything about the way things are going or even think about things possibly being any different because "that's just the way things are and always will be."
(OFFICE RANT OVER)
If you've been on dating apps any time in the last five years, chances are you've come across someone who claims to "work at Dunder Mifflin." As I kept swiping (with a less than 1% match rate), it seemed the girls who claim to "work at Dunder Mifflin" would never end. So I concluded that these people have never actually worked at an office before. Or they were interns of some sort that didn't have many responsibilities, or they got the job through some kind of nepotism, and they don't rely on it to survive, so going to the office and twiddling their thumbs for most of the day isn't that big of a deal.
OR (and this is a very big "or" that's why it's all caps)
It's just a fucking joke, and they meant nothing from it and just enjoyed the show, and I'm probably thinking about it way too much. Regardless, I still swipe left on any girl who claims to work at Dunder Mifflin. It's my way of pretending I have control in an arena where men have zero control.
Coming in at a close second in most overused phrases for dating app profiles is:
"I'm here for a good time, not a long time."
Which, after many years of testing and re-testing, I've determined is
Why?
Because no girl with that description in her profile has ever actually matched with me. And, I don't know about you, but I think I'm an incredible fucking time. Probably the best time you'll ever have. I've got jokes, witty comebacks, deep musings, and an entire bank of weirdly specific and random facts that'll leave you like, "Oh, really? I didn't know that."
Well, now you know 🤓
But they haven't known, and they haven't had a good time as they claim to want to have. So I got to wondering, what do these dating profile descriptions actually do to help us match with the right people?
Are we really giving people the proper chance to present themselves to us?
"You better love guns and baseball!"
Um, okay…
"If you're under six feet, don't even bother 🙅♀️"
Fine, b*tch, I guess all men under 72 inches in height are just assholes. It's okay, my short (according to girls on dating apps) kings, our time will come ✊🏽
"Swipe left if you like pineapple on pizza"
I don't give a fuck what you put on your pizza. You have your half, and I'll have mine. I’ll even order separately!
"If you're a picky eater, we'll NEVER GET ALONG!"
Okay, shit just got personal.
After a certain amount of time knowing me, David Ricardo Núñez-Ariza Bentz Arias, you'll discover one of my defining traits: I'm a picky eater 🤠
If you're wondering what I eat, it's basically chicken, meat, rice, pasta, bread, cheese, and some form of potatoes. There's not much deviation from that. Don't put any sauce on my pasta, don't mix any random shit with my chicken or meat. Of course, I season and sazón my shit when I cook. But I don’t like mixing the food I like with other food.
To most people in the world, this is a form of heresy.
"David, how can you not enjoy this? It's so delicious!"
"David! But this explosion of flavors in my mouth!"
"David! What do you mean this wine tastes like wine, and the other bottle tasted a little more like wine?!?!? It's a $200 bottle! Can you not taste the notes?????"
"You mean the notes of wine???"
🤦🏽♂️🤦🏼🤦🏿♀️
Listen, I get it. Eating is awesome (for you).
There are subtle notes and differences in the wine (for you).
For you, eating is probably like
But that doesn't happen for me (I wish it did).
As a kid, I used to dream that one day I would experience that feeling 🤤
One day I'll be older, and adults are strong and can do things they don't like without puking. And I'll be able to try all these crazy foods that make me puke now. I'm so excited for that day!
And as time passed and I tried a few things here and there, I realized that nothing had changed.
I still didn't like that "explosion of flavors" you talk about. And the wrong sensation or taste in my mouth could trigger a puking reaction before you had time to process what was happening.
Maybe your taste buds welcome new flavors, new experiences, and an abundance of sensation. My taste buds don't do that. My taste buds fear that. It's the worst possible experience my taste buds could ever have.
And you're probably sitting here reading this saying to yourself, "What the fuck is wrong with this dude who doesn't enjoy all these types of food? No sushi?!?! But I love sushi!"
That's right, you, the individual reading this, you [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE], probably love sushi or some intricate dish exploding with flavors. But your taste buds aren't my taste buds. And my taste buds aren't your taste buds (and they never will be).
So trying to understand why I can't enjoy food the same way as you is like a fish trying to understand why a human can't survive underwater without remembering that, yeah, fish have gills and humans don’t. Humans will never have the same underwater experience without assistance because it's just not physiologically possible 🤿
Semi-wack metaphor aside, what I'm trying to say is if you keep trying to understand someone else's experiences and preferences through the lens of your own experiences and preferences, you'll never be able to actually understand them because you're approaching that situation through your view of the world that has not been shaped by the same circumstances as theirs.
And it never will be.
We're all unique. We're all different. And while there are many things we share, there are also a ton of things we don't share.
Sure, if you lived your entire life in the northeast with snow every winter and temperatures that reach 5 degrees, 65 is a beautiful fucking day to you. But if you've lived your entire life in the sun with temps above the 80s, anything under 70 is fucking freezing.
So, when some asshole tries to tell the people in Miami or LA that 60 isn't that cold, remember their beaches suck, they're pale as shit, and they probably don't shower as often as they should because the dry air makes them think they're clean from not sweating but we still all know you're pretty nasty under there 🤢
And if you're ever thinking about me, analyzing me, sizing me up, and you decide that we can't be together or judge my entire being on whether I'd prefer some delicious rare seafood versus chicken tenders and french fries, let me tell you, you're going to miss out on one great time.
I hope that doesn't happen with you and me, and I hope it doesn't happen with you and someone else. Don't be too quick to judge on superficial shit that doesn't matter. And the next time you try to understand something that you may not understand or even agree with at first, I would recommend you step out of your shoes and into the shoes of the person who is trying to help you to understand.
And, yes, I'm serious about those chicken tenders and french fries 🍟
PS
I don’t know what you came here looking for, but you might have a drinking problem.