040: Dear Mama 🌈

I want to scream so loud for you, 'cause I'm so proud of you

Feb 17, 2022

Me recuerdo cuando era joven*

(Más joven de lo que soy ahora porque sigo siendo joven pero no tan joven como antes)

Me recuerdo cuando era joven, y un día me cogiste haciendo algo que no te gustaba. Me recuerdo verte tan triste mirándome y preguntando, “Why would you choose to do something like this after everything I’ve taught you?"

And I remember answering, "It's because you've taught me that I've chosen. You taught me how to think, weigh the consequences, figure out right from wrong, and make my decision. And it's because of what you taught me I won't always make a choice you agree with. Because you taught me how to be my own person and to be confident in myself."

I wanna tell the whole world about a friend of mine
This little light of mine, and I'm finna let it shine

And recently, that feeling came up again. When you were trying to plan something special for me, but something I was planning got in the way. And I didn't know it at first, but I knew something was wrong. When I finally discovered what it was, I was a little upset.

So I called you and said, "Dude, why does our communication suck right now?"

And you responded, "You're right, I'm sorry. I let my emotions get the best of me, and I didn't react in a way that was fair to you. It's just because I care so much because it means so much to me. But that's not an excuse, and I’ll own up to it. You make your own choices, and maybe your choices won't always align with what I'd hoped for. Or what anyone hoped for. But if you feel it's the right choice for you, stand by that choice, and don't regret it. That's what living is."

And I didn't know how to respond. It's like I still wanted to be angry at you. And seeing you react in such a wise manner, one that was so vulnerable and so strong at the same time, one that made so much sense, was not what my emotions were hoping for. Because maybe my emotions wanted to give me a reason to be upset.

As you know better than most, I can let my emotions get the best of me. And that can cloud my judgment.

But my emotions are also what make the best of me.

I'm finna take y'all back to them better times

There's a general consensus that some of the greatest art ever made was when artists felt the most pain. When they were reacting to suffering. And that sometimes you need to suffer to create something beautiful.

That might be true for a lot of people

But it's not true for me

I'm finna talk about my mama if y'all don't mind

I could never make something great that was born out of hate and suffering. Because I never learned how to hate. Hate isn't something someone is born with. It's something you learn. The people in this world who cause others to suffer, or disregard the feelings and wellbeing of others weren't born like that. It's their circumstances that can turn them into that.

And my circumstances were filled with love.

Everything I ever wanted to do, you believed in. Everything I ever said I might try, you believed in. You believed all the things that are possible in life were possible for me. And I know you still believe they’re all possible. Because you made me believe too.

And even when you were confronted with difficult decisions and difficult responsibilities you never signed up for, you still believed.

And you still loved.

When Daniel was in college, one of his best friends was kicked out of their house, and you let them live with us. Maybe you weren't happy about it, but you never let me see that. You told me we had to wake up 30 minutes earlier to make sure we could drop them off at school and then get to our school on time. You always asked if they wanted something to eat when we stopped to get food before coming home. You never hesitated to go entirely out of our way to pick them up after school when they didn't have a ride. Another child that wasn't yours, but no one would ever think that.

And I know you did that out of love. And it continued to teach me how powerful that feeling is.

And even when we've been betrayed, when the people we trusted and counted on and stood up for turned their backs on us, on you, you never stopped loving.

I've seen you hurt, but I've never seen you give up. And shit, dude, maybe you were really close a few times. I know I would've been.

But you always kept going.

And that has always given me the strength to keep going. And I learned that life isn't ever going to be something we figure out. Because things will be really good for a long time, and then they'll be not so good, and then get better, and bad again.

But throughout all of that, you reminded me that no matter what, you never abandon your family. Because your friends might leave you at the end of the day, people might break up with you, but your blood is always there.

And I might've expanded the definition of what family is. But that's because you gave me enough love to do so.

And I know that our family was supposed to be bigger. And the love you have for me could've been enough for 20 more kids.

It's crazy how something can make you happy and sad at the same time. Because I know people are reading this who don't have someone like you anymore in their lives, or maybe they never had them to begin with. And it's because of you that I'm able to love them the way you loved me.

And wherever I go, and whoever I meet, there's always a part of you that meets them too. The only reason that I am is because you are. And you gave me everything I needed to become what I am and what I've yet to be.

And whenever someone meets me, and then they meet you, they're like, "Yup, that makes perfect sense. That lady is a fucking legend."

You're ~~kind of~~ a fucking legend.

I have a lot of life left to live, but if the universe decided that my time was up tomorrow, I hope you know that you did it. You really fucking did it. And you're still doing it. I wouldn't change a thing, and I know you wouldn't either. Because if the universe decided that your time was up tomorrow, I would never look back with regret. You created a space for me that people only dream about getting to experience. And I get to experience it every day through every text and every call. And every random-ass sticker you send that I don't know where you found it, but it's cute af (as f*ck).

And every time I see a rainbow, I think of you, and I turn to someone and say, "You know my mom sends me a picture every time she sees a rainbow because that's like our thing."

And I'm so lucky that we have so many things.

Today is your birthday. And you've been through a lot. And we still have a lot left to go through. But I want you to know you did it the right way. And that this world is nothing but better with you in it.

Te amo madrísima, you're my girl.

If you get this email in time, I hope you listen to this playlist in the morning and smile.