How are you?
Don't avoid the question. I know you usually write in your journal and think a lot of thoughts, but that doesn't mean you're addressing what's going on. Before today, you hadn't written in your journal for four days.
Why is that?
You know I'm really busy.
But how busy are you, really?
Busy enough to feel extremely tired. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing so much, then I think of what I'm doing, and others are doing, and I think I'm not doing enough to feel like this. There are others that feel like this and do more, and there are others who feel like this and do less. But I feel like this, so my feelings should be valid. Who's to say what is and isn't too much for me? We're all different!
How do you know what they actually do or don't do? There you go, comparing yourself again. And since you know you're all different, why even waste the energy on the comparison?
Sometimes I feel guilty.
About what?
Even though it seems like I do so much, maybe I don't do enough. If I'm doing that much and going that hard, why hasn't everything I wanted come to pass yet?
What exactly did you want?
I can't put it into words. It's like the vision in my head. And a feeling. And there's nothing really to describe for you to see. Lights are pulsing in different colors, and it feels like my brain is breathing with thoughts. But they aren't individual thoughts. They're one big thought all together, all the different ones at the same time, like a drop of water that falls in the ocean and becomes a part of it.
If you can't put into words what you want, how can you really say you want it?
Maybe I'll know what it is when I get there.
Then why are you so worried about where you are now if you don't even know where you're going?
Because I have to go somewhere, and I have to reach something. And, fuck, dude, at some point, shit gets easier, right? One day I'm not just going to feel like I'm catching up every time I wake up, right? There has to be a moment where I finally get to breathe.
What are you doing right now?
You know what I mean—like, just feeling relaxed.
You seemed pretty relaxed tweeting and watching the Super Bowl for four hours yesterday.
But all I could think about was calculating how many hours I would get to sleep depending on what time I woke up because I was going to wake up early. Minus the hours I'm not sleeping when I wake up to go to the bathroom and then have to try and fall asleep again.
And?
I snoozed my alarm for two more hours.
Maybe you needed it.
But what if I lost something by not waking up. What if I could've accomplished more?
Could you have accomplished more if you didn't sleep enough and weren't your best self?
No, that's why I always say I need to sleep! Just respect what I need! Everyone is different, and I know what works for me.
Why are you screaming at me?
BECAUSE I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND
You are quite literally preaching to the choir.
Why is it that I'm always the hardest one to convince?
Because you know, you always know the answer deep down inside, but you don't want to admit it.
But I've been wrong before.
And you'll be wrong again.
So then, should I go for what I think and want or what deep down inside I know is the right answer.
You can never truly know if it's the right answer.
So what is the answer?
There is no answer.
I like 42.
You're deflecting.
Fine, keep going.
There's only one person here. The only one who can keep going is you.
I think maybe I never knew what I wanted to do because if you choose something, you have to stick to it, and if it doesn't work out, it's like you failed. Maybe if I just left it up in the air and went here and there with things that I did well, something would eventually stick.
And how's that going?
I'm not where I want to be.
And where do you want to be?
I don't know that either.
And what's the one thing you always said you were scared of? The only thing you were scared of.
Not being everything everyone believed I could be.
But you can't be anything for anyone else.
You have to Be for yourself.
But what if I disappoint them?
Which them?
All of them?
Do all of them matter?
No, only some of them.
And would they want you to be something for them instead of for yourself?
No, they love Me for me unconditionally.
Then why are you so worried about being something you're not sure you can be for someone else who doesn't want anything other than for you to be the You you want to be?
They invest so much in me.
Did you get a small half a million dollar loan to start your own business or execute your creative ideas?
No, not like that. They invest time, energy, and attention. And their love. The most important things we have to give.
And do you think they would be doing that if you were showing you weren't enough?
No, of course not. But I want to be something to many people and not for them but for me. Because it makes me happy. But I also need to be alone. I also need to think and do this. And sometimes I feel like I don't do this for them when this is what I need, but I also think I need to do that for them, so they still believe in me, but it takes away from being able to be me because I was doing that instead of this.
And would they understand if you chose to do this instead of that sometimes?
Of course, they would.
So what are you worried about?
It happened again.
When I chose to do that because it's what I wanted and what I wanted to give them and they told me that it felt like I wasn't doing that. It's like, fuck, what am I supposed to do then?
You know you see it one way, and they see it another way. And sometimes, the different ways you each think you're right might not be right for the other person. And that doesn't mean either of you is wrong. You're just not on the same page of what you think right is supposed to be in this situation. And that doesn't take away from either. You need to find a better way to be when you are together than the way you were before.
I'm trying. And I care. But I feel like so many people care, and I want to show them that I care that they care so much that it means everything to me, but I don't have enough of me for all of them. Someone is always not going to get enough. And to that someone, I can be so much, and I don't not want to be for them if that's what they need.
It might be what they want, but not what they need. And you know that what they truly want, if they see you like you say they do, is for you to be the best you. And the real ones will know what that takes. And sometimes it takes not being there with or for each other. But only sometimes, that's not forever.
I wrote all this, and I still don't know if I've figured it out yet.
I don't think you're ever actually going to figure it out. I think you learn to deal with it a little better as time goes on.
I already knew that.
I know. You're the one that wrote it.
Is this weird?
Na, it's fucking brilliant.
That's what I thought.
I know.
So.
So?
How are you?
I don't feel like I made much progress from when we started this. Because it's all stuff I already knew. But at least it's written, and it's out. And it's not just some indescribable, pulsating aura-type vision in my mind. I think I was scared. I know I'm scared. But if anybody's gonna do it, it might as well be me.
Then fucking do it, yo.
PS
No matter what happens, always remember: