2️⃣011: Gandalf was a P.I.M.P. 🎩
it's a dangerous thing, writing, if you don't watch your fingers, there's no knowing where they might take you
I'm going to start calling one of my friends Mithrandir 🧙🏻
It's been decided
I know who it is. You might know who it is. You're actually reading this right now.
Yes, it's You. you know who You are.
a few others have already figured out who you are as well
can't wait until the next time we see each other
You'll smile when you see me, but one of those half-smiles because you know what's coming….
¡MITHRANDIR!
I will exclaim in pure joy
You'll half-heartedly laugh like, "Of course, of course it was me. I fucking knew it. I know you too well. Damn you, D."
That you do (know me) my dear friend, Mithrandir 😏
Now, the original Mithrandir? 🧙🏻
Gandalf, Stormcrow, Greyhame, Bladorthin
(if you read BLADORTHIN, and you don't even slightly chuckle to yourself, what's wrong with you? enjoy the little things in life!)
BLADORTHIN
That wizard? That's a pimp if I've ever seen one. Hell of a wizard. Never needed an iPhone like ya boy Harry P.
He talked to birds and bugs and used telepathy with Elves 🧝🏻♀️
...and he always pimped out those poor Hobbits
Need someone to go on a year-long quest through the most treacherous lands of Middle Earth? Get a Hobbit
Someone to go up against Orc armies and trick trolls and battle any number of dangerous magical beings they might run into?
Maybe even a dragon who took control of a mountain and displaced an entire race of people?
Someone who has enough food and drinks to host 13 hungry dwarves without any prior notice?
Someone to carry such a heavy emotional and mental burden that even great wizards and immortal elves dare not carry?
Get. Yourself. A. Hobbit.
Not just any Hobbit though, it has to be a Baggins. Not those dim-witted Tooks or those mischievous Brandybucks.
(david, idgaf about Lord of the Rings)
Yeah, but idgaf about you not gaf about me writing about Lord of the Rings
I did the calculations:
if I write one email a week, and we cap out at 999 emails (because I will not be going into quadruple digits), and I do it every week consistently without missing a week, and maybe I do two or more in a week sometimes, and I've already done 11, that means there are exactly 19 years left of these emails until the very last email.
999: Insert Semi-Clever and Witty Title Which May Have Too-Specific of a Reference Here
My dad tells me he sends these emails to his friends whenever he thinks they might enjoy them
Aren't parents the best?
Actually, let me correct that. You might be reading this and have some shitty parents, or maybe your parents aren't around, or maybe there are more important figures in your life than the people who are your biological parents. I can't assume everyone got as lucky as I did.
Isn't it awesome when you have people who support you and believe in you? With all this time I spend on the internet, I see people share so many stories and posts and tweets about betrayal and those who have hurt them.
That makes me feel sad, but happy. Sad because that happens, and happy because I've been lucky enough to be hurt so few times I can consider it negligible. Not that those times didn't get to me, just that I haven't let them define who I am.
I have no chip on the shoulder.
No one I'm trying to prove wrong.
No one who ever told me I wouldn't amount to anything. No one who I’ve been secretly yearning for years to call out on a hit single from my future rap album like yeah so so teacher in so so and so grade said I'd never be shit- ha! jokes on you
Shit, man, I was always supposed to make it.
I always had people that believed in me.
That looked up to me.
Even if they thought I didn't know, or they did, and it was I who didn't know
There's never been a time when anyone has said, "I don't see a bright future ahead for him."
And everything always worked out pretty well, and I knew where I stood, and I was good at what I did
But for a long period of time over the last 10 years, I kinda wasn't sure
(about who I was or where I was going)
And eventually, I realized it was because that thing I always had that I identified with (playing sports) wasn't there for me anymore.
And one day you realize the reason so many adults are so lame and tell you to appreciate being young is because they're caught up with everything they have to deal with and can't stop missing everything they used to have
IN HIGH SCHOOL YOU WAS THE MAN HOMIE
50 Cent
If I asked you to list three things that you're interested in right now that define who you are, what would you say?
I'll give you a second….
Ok, time's up
I really hope one of those things wasn't your job (depending on what your job is, but let's keep talking about me here)
"Hi, I'm David, and the thing that really defines who I am is that I like to execute great marketing campaigns so I can generate leads for long-term mortgages with low interest rates, down payments on student loans, selling more Consumer Packaged Goods people don't need and signing up for this monthly consultant service that actually makes it harder for people in this field to make a living because now they have to sell their services at low monthly rates competing against thousands of others instead of being able to rely on a fixed yearly income."
Listen, all I'm trying to say is, don't base who you are on what you do if what you do isn't what truly makes you happy.
And maybe you think it makes you happy because you make a lot of money and you're able to do things with that money. That's awesome. But I hope your only hobbies aren't drinking and partying so you can stop thinking about all that work you do. I hope you do something on the side that truly brings joy to your heart, something that has nothing to do with money.
Maybe you crotchet, perhaps you're in a running club, perhaps you read sexy spy thrillers and disappear into your own world for hours at a time. I hope your happiness isn't tied to whatever this society we live in considers something that adds to economic "productivity." Because, fuck that (mala mía mami, I tried not to say fuck).
I really had other jokes about Gandalf and Lord of the Rings and shit. I have no idea how we got here. I literally just start typing and as ideas flow, my fingers control the wheel, and this email goes in whichever direction my mind chooses at the moment. It's kind of like freestyling, except in essay form (freestyle.doc). Then I go back and edit it and make some uppercase words LOWERCASE because it makes me feel cool
Like, yeah, break those fucking rules of grammar.
what's the APA gonna do? sue me?
(a y que la RAE me lo mama también)
(again, sorry mom, I got caught up in the moment)
My dad told me he was going to send the email to his friends hours after I had decided the title was going to be "Gandalf was a pimp." And I was like, damn, he's really proud of me 🥺
Like, they really love and support whatever I do. And I come here and write some out-of-pocket shit and go on random tangents, and they're like, yes, let me show the people dear to me what the person dearest to me is doing. This 29-year-old individual who has always been The One, he had this one good joke about Harry Potter getting no pussy. I'm so proud of him 🥰😍💖
To be fair, that Harry Potter shit was hilarious 🪄
I would definitely say writing these things makes me feel good. And when people text me, and they're like, "I really enjoyed what you wrote." That makes me feel good. And I don't think it's about external validation.
Even though getting external validation is great! So, sometimes it is about external validation. But it's not only about that!
People are like, "I don't post for anyone. I only post for me. I don't care if you like it or not."
Yes, but No.
Because if you didn't care what people thought, you would have a private account with zero followers and never let anyone see what you post. That's the true "don't care." If you're posting for even one person to see. You kinda care what they think. And that's okay! Because…
And the things we do and decisions we make, no matter how much we think are only about ourselves...they affect others and/or are impacted by others as well.
Remember that.
It's okay to seek validation. It's not okay for that validation to be the most important thing. You can have a healthy dose and balance of everything.
As I get older and I fight to stay in the know and up to date with cultural trends and everything kids are doing, I ask myself:
"Am I naturally cool because I keep up with things, or do I try to keep up with things because that makes me feel cool?" In which case, you can't be cool because being cool isn't about trying. You either are or aren't. The more you try, the less cool you are. I think you should only try to be yourself as hard as you can. That's the coolest thing you can do. And if you've noticed, all the coolest people in the world don't have one thing they do in common or one particular set of interests.
There are all different types of cool people in life. The one thing they all have in common is just being themselves.
You can also be yourself and not be cool at all. Please don't get it twisted. Some of you are lame AF. Like, yeah, you reading this right now. No offense. I still love you.
I have no idea wtf is going on right now but let's wrap this up
One of my friends will from this day forward be known as ¡MITHRANDIR! I’ve already changed the contact name on my cellphone, and they don't even know it (they prob do)
Gandalfwas a pimp, he pimped out Hobbits, and he only paid them in memories and "adventures"
The point of Lord of the Rings was to show you that even the people that some may consider the smallest and most insignificant in the world have the power to do great things. That anyone is capable of anything.
There will only ever be 999 emails,
but I promise you there will be 999 emails
—
I might've peaked in high school (jury's still out on that)
Find a hobby, don't monetize it
Don't worry about what anyone thinks of you. Just be yourself. That's all you need to worry about. And if you're happy being you, then that's what life is about. Now, if you're a shitty person, definitely change. There's always time for that. You just have to be self-aware. And always be ready for anything to change. Like, you should be mentally prepared for your entire life to be completely different tomorrow because of many things that are out of your control. But the one thing that is still in your control is who you are, what you do, and how you respond to the situations around you.
And if you're reading this email because someone sent it to you like, "Yo, check it out, my friend/son/secret lover/person i follow on Instagram who occasionally makes funny posts has this great weekly newsletter you should subscribe to."
Then I hope you enjoyed it. welcome to 2uesday