2️⃣004: harry potter but with an iPhone Pt.1 📲
2️⃣004: harry potter but with an iPhone Pt.1 📲
Benioff and Weiss could never 🪄✨
(DISCLAIMER: The Harry Potter series begins when Harry is 11 years old in 1991. So none of the technology I'm referring to existed yet. But let's ignore all that shit and just pretend Harry started school in 2011 where this long-ass email would make sense.)
anyway, Harry Potter but with an iPhone 12 Max Pro and one of those leather cases that hold all your credit cards and IDs and Ikea Family card
Who am I kidding? Harry's painfully uncool. Way more of an Android guy. Not because he can't afford one, you know that vault at Gringotts is STACKED with gold 💰
Ron would also have an Android. But because his family can't afford to give all 87 kids iPhones. Fred & George would have iPhones, but we'd never know how they got them. It's Fred & George 🤹
Mr. and Mrs. Weasley would probably give Ginny an iPhone and use some excuse like she's the youngest and doesn't have anyone to pass it down to. So she's keeping that one until she graduates from Hogwarts.
Hermione would have an iPhone, but she's the smartest one. And because her parents are doctors (not really) so they can afford it.
On second thought, with Ron's luck, he'd probably have a Windows phone or some lame shit like that. They couldn't even have a group chat with him on WhatsApp because the app wouldn't work on his phone. Harry and Hermione would have to download GroupMe or Viber or Kik so the three of them could talk. That's all Ron would use because no one else is going to text him.
Maybe his Mom to remind him something about Harry before he comes home.
Oh, and Fred & George would make memes just about him and send them to him simultaneously but in separate texts (#pain1993).
Also, Ginny would text him asking if Harry is coming to stay with them for Christmas.
LMAOOOOOOO
Where have we heard this before?
No one can break into Gringotts 🗝
No place in Winterfell is safer than the crypts 🧟
The Titanic is unsinkable 🥶
You can't steal the Declaration of Independence 📜
You can't turn yourself into a pickle, Rick 🥒
Are you sensing a pattern here?
Really though, no safer place than Hogwarts?
Sorcerer's Stone: Voldemort is literally inside Hogwarts the entire time, hiding right in front of them.
Chamber of Secrets: Turns out there's a GIGANTIC FUCKING SNAKE LIVING IN THE PIPES that petrifies you if you at it directly in the eyes.
Prisoner of Azkaban: Dementors, described by Dumbledore as "Vicious creatures who do not distinguish their pray from others," are just roaming around campus at all times. Super safe.
Goblet of Fire…do we really need to get into this one? (TEAR EMOJI)
Hogwarts being safe is probably one of the biggest lies ever perpetrated by the media, governments, academic institutions, and members of the magical world at all levels and ages (I'm sure there are plenty of muggles to blame as well). And even though everything that ever happened pointed to the contrary, everyone just kept going with it.
Kinda feels like us and climate change…..
Oh shit, we just got a little serious. I guess we can only hope that--
(but we all know nothing will change)
Speaking of Robert Pattinson (#TeamJacob), he just jumps down from a tree when we first meet this dude in the movie. This means he had to have climbed up the tree in those ugly dress shoes and his full camping backpack just to chill and be ready to jump down nonchalantly and greet everyone like, "Sup, I'm Cedric."
I mean, Sam Witwicky did catch Megan Fox's attention with his friend climbing up the tree, and everyone was in love with Robert Pattinson. Maybe this tree climbing thing is something I should look more into.
TWO LINES BY ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE THAT I WANT TO USE IN REAL-LIFE SITUATIONS ONE DAY
(ONE)
*in front of a large crowd of students*
I would like to say a few words…ETERNAL GLORY!
*whatever you say after that doesn't really matter; you've captured everyone's attention*
(TWO)
Every day every hour, dark forces try to penetrate these castles walls. And their greatest weapon is you. Now off to bed! Pip pip!
The man really knows how to win over a crowd of teenagers. I'll give him that. And then send a few of those teenagers on a mission with basically no real instructions where they will most likely have to die. But not before killing lots of people, stealing things, and risking the lives of everyone they love.
It is with glorious conviction that I declare Voldemort is a Loki variant. He just happened to be from a timeline with magical beings on Earth, and that's what he used to try and conquer the world. And he tried and tried and tried and tried. And failed and failed and failed and failed. If that's not being a Loki, what is?
BEST INSULT IN THE ENTIRE SERIES:
Draco Malfoy to Harry as Harry is walking by in the hallway: Nice face, Potter.
Scorching, blazing. What the fuck are you supposed to say back to that?
Your Dad's a bitch, and I tricked him into freeing your slave elf? Not even that is good enough.
Nice face, Potter.
RIP Harry for a few seconds
RIP DOBBY FOREVER
BEST UNINTENTIONAL INSULT:
Harry (in fancy robes): How do I look?
Luna: Exceptionally ordinary.
#LunaGangForever
5 EVERYDAY LIFE THINGS THAT WOULD BE MADE SO MUCH EASIER WITH MAGIC
Folding your clothes
Packing and unpacking your luggage
Cleaning up your mom's vase you accidentally broke while playing soccer in the living room with your brother even though she specifically told you not to play soccer in the living room with your brother
Professor Slughorn didn't know what Dentists were when Hermione told him that's what her parents do, so apparently, wizards and witches have no use for dentists? They don't have to worry about brushing their teeth and shit? Do they just magically clean them? I'm all for magical dental hygiene.
Mr. Weasley is afraid of escalators. I don't understand this at all. Like you transport through fucking wormholes or something or just space and flush yourself down toilets and use pixie dust to appear in green-flamed fireplaces, but escalators freak you out? Not flying hundreds of feet through the sky on a wooden stick? These wizards and witches, fascinating creatures, I tell you.
SERIOUSLY CAN SOMEONE JUST SEND A FUCKING EMAIL
Imagine all the problems that could've easily been solved in the wizarding world if they just had smartphones?
Sirius wouldn't have to transmit live broadcasts to Harry through a fucking burning pile of wood in the Gryffindor common room. Homie, Godfather, just shoot me a text. We can even use Telegram or Signal if you feel like the Dark Lord is monitoring iMessage.
"Hey Harry, Sirius here. Things are getting weird. Voldemort's probably back. Stay safe, lol."
Sirius is cool, but he's that uncle that's so cool he's not caught up with any current pop culture or events. And that's kinda what makes him so cool because he still appears relevant and hip to the times even though he has no fucking clue what's going on because it really doesn't affect him.
So he would write lol unironically like "Lots of Love." I mean, the dude's been in prison for 13 years. I know they have TikTok in prison, but I don't see him scrolling Twitter or the gram.
And it's not just iPhones. It's the wizarding world's general avoidance of modern technology that caused plenty of problems they could've easily solved. Take Barty Crouch Jr kidnapping Mad-Eye Moody in the Half-Blood Prince. Snape is all like, "Harry, you're stealing ingredients to make Polyjuice Potion from me, you little punk, I'm going to catch you."
All Severus had to do to realize it wasn't Harry stealing the potion was install a fucking Ring camera outside his potions closet, and boom, mystery solved. Maybe we even catch it early enough to save Cedric Diggory (RIP AGAIN).
Maybe it's just because they don't have Amazon Prime delivery to Hogwarts yet. Or maybe there are no fiberoptic cables that reach the middle of fucking nowhere in the UK where they are.
I'll say this: You tell Jeff Bezos there's a location with hundreds of potential customers using their parents' credit cards yearning for Amazon Prime, and he'll be suppressing wages and exploiting owls for labor faster than you can say, "Hedwig went out like a bitch he did nothing to protect Harry during that broom fight scene at the beginning of the Deathly Hallows," five times fast.
Speaking of Bezos, people have been really excited about billionaires going into space. Some people even texted me because the first one's my boss.
“David, aren't you excited?”
I don't know, have all the worlds problem's been solved, and everyone is living so comfortably without any need for food or shelter that we can now spend billions of dollars going to space just for leisure?
Anyway, how did Harry not know exactly how his parents died? His aunt and uncle always lied to him? He couldn't just—-
TO BE CONTINUED…